How To Get Out Of Shopping With Your Wife

 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips to Publix and other stores like Target, WalMart, etc.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  You know - men GET and Women GATHER.   Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.  Because of that, here's a list of things guys can do to make your wife not want you to go shopping with her:

• Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they aren't looking. 
• Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
• Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away". 
• Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of candy on layaway.
• Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
• If a clerk asks you if they could help you, begin crying and scream,  'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
• Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• If the store has an auto department practice your 'Madonna look'  by using different sizes of funnels.
• Hide in a clothing rack and when people pass by,  yell  'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
• When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position on the floor and scream, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
  

And last, but not least:
Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile,  then yell very loudly, "Hey!  There's no toilet paper in here!"

Your wife will probably want you to stay home the next time she goes shopping :)

P.S. These little jokes have been reformatted to fit this blog.